soo i havnt been on here in forever. so figured i should prob write something…

went back to ireland over summer. its scary how much people change or stay the same in one year, cause theres no in between, there either the person u knew when u left, or someone else pretending to be your friend. i dont have a problem with people changing, its fine, cuz its for their own reasons, and who they are. and u shouldnt ever try to make someone something they’re not, or what you think they used to be like. cause u never know everything. so dont think or pretend that you do.

why do i cry, these tears fall like a priceless silver coins from the pocket of a millionaire, they mean nothing anymore. theres no way out, theres no where to turn, theres no one to go to, you can only dream, dream sweet dreams, try to imagine a better way, watch as your dream tumbles with force uncontrolably into your nightmare, because it’s been so long you can’t even imagine anymore. why arent the people who you wer always taught would be there, why arent they with you, there for you, understand. take a look around, who and what do you have. yourself.

i dont want o go back to that place, i remember being there, it ate me up, i couldnt get away, it pulled me in, and i followed the sugar sweet relaxation, let the resistance float away with the daylight, lost myself in the endless dark, was at peace. but how do u get back, when the lights too far gone to ever see again.

yep, in ireland, adore it here with all my heart :)

being here made me wonder about what i really want, with everything. and now i know. so im not giving up. im going to get to where i want to be, and im going to love it. i know i will.  thats all :)

excited to go back to CA, sorta. i miss it, but i dont sorta ya know? im actually excited to go to MI for a week b4 going back to CA, just a week, with me, my book, my ipod, in a boat, on a lake :) i am excited for the boringness.

i miss will… i feel so sick about what iv done…. i dont know how it turned out like this. or how i can do anything to fix it, i wish with all i have that i could change it. i made the worst decision possible, and i fucked up. majorly. and now it cant be fixed. and i didnt just learn the hard way, i put him thru this too, and he did nothing wrong, he only did everything right, and i repaid him with this… i keep appologising, even tho i know he cant hear me… its tearing me up. and i dont know what to do. im sorry my babe, u mean the world and more to me.xxx <3

i love friends, they make u forget everything when u need to loose control, they remind u when u need to come back to earth and reality, a real friend will never judge, always be there for you, and simply be happy for you if your truly happy, and they will kick anyones ass who tries getting in the way of your happiness. if your lucky, u may only have one TRUE TRUE TRUE friend, one that really does mean the things they say, one that is completely honest, and good hearted, there not that easy to find, but when u do find them, you click. and they are the best for you, and you are the best for them. thats what best friends are, they bring out the best in eachother.

they are your own personal supper hero.

if u’v got one, feel extremely lucky, and tell them you love them.

<3

xxx

yeah, im happily oblivious to the drama and bullshit, and happily atentive to the stuff that interests me, and stuff that makes me happy. its a wonderful way to live im finding, in a balanced respect.

i didnt really get the point of the whole 4th of july thing, i mean its only celebrated in the states and stuff and i wasnt really that bothered about it, but it was such a cool chill experience, hung with friends, made up with a friend, got closer with some new friends, and had a friggin awsome time dancing and screaming along to lyrics in the park. it was cool. thats all really

goin home in like 6 days… scary stuff… im excited, but nervous, flying on my own, no adults or help from staff, with a connection flight in philly, to dublin… yeah, i have issues remember a course of like 15 fences… hows this gonna work out? we shall see. but like how ever nervous i get, i cant back out, i need this, showjumping is my life and all i want. and this is a HUGE opportinity, that could take me farther than i thought possible, so am i gonna give up my dreams for fear? nope. hells no. im goin home, and im gonna work my ass off.

i miss it so much there, the sport, william, especialy william, im to the stage where i dunno whether to try to forget everything or hold on as much as i can, and i dunno. whateversss, il figure it out… i miss my friends (you know who you are my dears, and you know how much i love yous), i miss walking around mullingar estates at 2am, with a red bull, polo mints, and a cadbury’s chocolate bar, dancing and singing to music off ems’s phone, lying in the middle of an empty street looking up at the stars, and they are so much more clear and beautiful in ireland, i dunno why, but they are. i miss just walking outside my door, and into the feild, i loved how i could call will’s name and he’d just follow me to the little stable daddy built me, and how i would sleep out there for weeks on end when one of the horses was sick, how i wouldnt even sleep the nights i was out there and id sit there and make sure he was okay every 15mins. and i miss how when he was well and when i couldnt sleep id slip out my window and run as fast as i could accross the court yard, past our carriage house, the cottage, and the hay bales, thinking the shed accross from the stable wer haunted and that i would only be safe when i was in the warm cozy little stable with will, and how i would swing up on him in my pj’s and nothing else and just let him walk out the door, into the fields and just walk, trot, gallop, through the dark and i would have no control, and as soon as a said woah, he would slow to a stop. i miss how id fall asleep in the field and he wouldnt wander off, he’d stayy right beside me and lay down, and fall asleep too. then wake up when the sun was rising around 5am and when the cows started mooing, and id swing back up, and slowly walts back to the stable where he’d bow his neck and let me slide down so i wouldnt hurt my freezing feet when i hit the hard ground. it was scary how well we took care of eachother. im not writing about this for anyoneto read, if u want to go ahead, but this is for me, just remembering out loud, recording things over again, trying to remember the feeling of slipping back into my house and into my room and back into bed in time before mum would wake me up for school. i felt like such a ninja, and it was my little secret with will. and when we would compete, hunter trialing especially, it was like all that trust and conection, thrown together and add the biggest rush of adrenaline you can possibly imagine. i barley had to ask him to turn around the corners as we wer speeding as fast as we could going for the next fence. he just looked after me, and i minded him too. and then i had to sell him. just like that. i had to move, accross the globe, and he wasnt coming with me, some new horse was, one that would make money. not the one that would take care of me,or make sure i was safe, not one that i could love, or trust, or have anything i had with will. it was just over. just gone. all the 7yrs of work, and bonding, wer just thrown away. and i hadnt got a choice in the matter, my opinion didnt matter, its about money and business now they said. maybe thats the way it has to be, i dont know. but after all the work we all went through for this horse, all the time it took for us to click, to get eachother, after all the trips to the emergency room, all the late night shows, games, everything, they threw him away cause he wouldnt earn us the money. i cant look at pictures, or videos, cause i know il never have that again. ever. that was a once in a life time gift. and il never get it back.

yeah, finished with the sob story, sorry lol

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, Well thats alright Cuz I like the way it hurts, Just gonna stand there and hear me cry, Well thats alright cuz i love the way you lie, I love the way you lie.

can’t tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there’s a steel knife in my windpipe
I can’t breathe but I still fight all I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right it’s like I’m in flight

High off of love, drunk from my hate
It’s like I’m huffin’ paint and I love her
The more I suffer, I suffocate
Right before I’m about to drown, she resuscitates
Me, she fuckin’ hates me and I love it, Wait!
Where you going? I’m leaving you.

eminem, love the way you lie <3

Sweet disposition
Never too soon
Oh reckless abandon,
Like no one’s watching you

A moment, a love
A dream, a laugh
A kiss, a cry
Our rights, our wrongs
A moment, a love
A dream, a laugh
A moment, a love
A dream, a laugh

Just stay there
Cause I’ll be comin’ over
While our bloods still young
It’s so young, it runs
Won’t stop til it’s over
Won’t stop to you surrender

Songs of desperation
I played them for you
 

the temper trap, sweet dispostion <3

   “I belive that everything happens for a reason.  People change so that you learn to let go, things go wrong so that you learn to appreciate them when they’re right, you belive lies so that you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”

  “A wise girl kisses but doesn’t love, listens but doesn’t belive, and leaves before she is left.”

  “I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I’m not the devil. I am just a small girl, in a big world, trying to find someone to love.”

  “If your gonna be two faces at least make one of them pretty.”

  “The real lover is the man that can thrill you by kissing your forhead or smiling into your eyes or just staring off into space.”

  “Ever notice how ‘What the hell’ is always the right answer?”

  “I dont mind living in a mans world as long as I can be a woman in it.”

  “I’ve never fooled anyone. I’ve let people fool themselves. They didn’t bother finding out who I was and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldnt argue with them. They were obviously loving someone I wasn’t.”

  “Who said nights were for sleeping?”

  “She was the girl that knew how to be happy even when she was sad. And that is important you know.”

  “It’s not true I had nothing on. I had the radio on.”

  “We should all start to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid. So are regrets.”

  “I don’t want money. I just want to be wonderful.”

  “What do i wear to bed? My Channel No. 5, of course.”

  To Her, the most amazing, ever.